- Dave Green only combs half of his beard, the rest follows by symmetry.
- Dave Green can isolate magnetic monopoles; he gives them to small orphan children as birthday presents.
- Dave Green can recite pi – backwards.
- Dave Green can spot an incorrectly italicised full-stop at 500 paces, in a footnote, at night, when the book is closed, and encased in lead.
- Dave Green can explain why in an Einstein-de Sitter universe, cows look smaller the further away they are until redshift 1.25, when they start getting bigger again.
- There are no such things as physical constants: they just think if they don't move Dave Green won't see them.
- Dave Green once fought Yoda, Darth Vader and the Emperor simultaneously. After he'd thrashed them all, he made them draw diagrams showing the Force at every stage of the battle.
- Dave Green can extract more work from a student than the Penrose Process can from an extremal Kerr-Newman black hole.
- Dave Green can do a fiendish Times sudoku in 23 seconds, while blindfolded.
- Dave Green discovered the youngest supernova remnant ever observed, G1.9+0.3.
- Dave Green can escape a black hole. A black hole cannot escape Dave Green.
- The following approximation is true:
- LucasFilm pay Dave Green £5million in royalties every year as he built the original Death Star. It didn't destroy planets though, it destroyed stars. This explains the supernova research.
- Dave Green has counted to aleph-one, twice.
- Dave Green creates rainbows wherever he goes. Before your next supervision, write brief notes on how rainbows form, include an explanation of their position of relative to the Sun, information about secondary rainbows and ray diagrams. [Hint: rainbows are caustics]
- Dave Green has infinite potential. This makes it difficult to calculate his E-field.
- Dave Green first deduced the existence of quarks: he realised they must exist while playing Scrabble when he needed to get rid of a "Q", a "U", an "R" and a "K". He got a triple word score.
- Dave Green invented non-linear differential equations as something to do while the kettle was boiling.
- Judge Dredd's "I am the law" speech was based upon one made by Dave Green when other physicists confronted him regarding his EXP oracle, capable of outpacing time itself.
- When Dave Green does a press-up he doesn't just push his body up, he pushes the Earth down. This is obvious from Newton's Third Law and conservation of momentum.
- Dave Green invented photosynthesis.
- Doc from the Back to the Future films was based upon a real person. Dave Green killed this man for not finishing all his supervision work.
- Dave Green is taller and thinner in the frequency domain.
- Dave Green puts a Tripos question under his pillow each night. When he wakes up there is a full worked solution, mark scheme and a packet of Jelly Babies under the pillow. It is believed that if we could explain where the Jelly Babies come from we would know a lot more about the Universe.
- Dave Green is so cool he has an entropy of zero.
- Dave Green once challenged God to a contest to see who knew the most about physics. God won as he is omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent and created the universe. It was a close thing though (only fourteen orders of magnitude).
- When foxes have a good idea they say it is "as cunning as Dave Green".
- If you were to compress Dave Green to below his Schwarzschild radius you would regret it.
- Machines from the future sent a Terminator back in time to assassinate Dave Green. It returned to the future with WORDS! stamped all over it.
- Dave Green never includes error estimates in his experimental write ups: his results are always exact by definition.
- Dave Green commutes with the Hamiltonian.
- The full title of the Physics Nobel Prize is: "The Nobel Prize in Physics for Physicists Who Are Not Dr Dave Green". This is to give the others a chance.
- Dave Green uses a closed time-like curve as a belt.
- In Star Trek, they use Sub-space fields to negate Relativity, inertial dampers to counter-act Newtonian Mechanics, and Heisenberg Compensators to remove the effects of Quantum Theory. There is, however, nothing that is able to nullify the effects of Dave Green.
- At the age of eight, Dave Green built a fully functional flux capacitor out of LEGO.
- Dave Green does not expect the Spanish Inquisition: they know he asks the questions.
- Dave Green can believe it's not butter; it is simple if you write down the physics involved.
- Dave Green knows the exact position and momentum of any given particle.
- The Daleks once tried to kill Dave Green believing him to be the Doctor. They interrupted a supervision; Dave Green explained that he would be busy for an hour, but since they were here they might as well get some education. At the end of the supervision the Daleks realised they were obviously out matched. They left and never again tried to conquer the galaxy, principally as they didn't have the time with all the physics questions they were set.
- Dave Green plays four-dimensional Tetris.
- The SI unit for excellence was originally planned to be the Dave Green (symbol Dave Green - no-one abbreviates Dave Green). However this was abandoned after it was noticed that 1 Dave Green was significantly greater than any typical value. In fact, when the committee tried to calculate the excellence of the average person in units of Dave Green, they had to invent new notation twice because the number was so small.
- Dave Green once checkmated Kasparov in seven moves – while playing Monopoly.
- Dave Green spans all vector spaces. All the bases belong to him [sic Dave Green is always grammatically correct].
- Donald Knuth has set up a Direct Debit to Dave Green.
- Dave Green has never climbed Everest. It is too easy. When he wants to go mountaineering, he constructs a Dirac Delta Function out of 4 sheets of graph paper, some dark matter and a large amount of duct tape.
- Dave Green is an eigenstate of the annihilation operator.
- They are called Maxwell's Equations, not Dave Green's Equations as Dave agreed to swap them for a packet of Hob Nobs. It was quicker to derive them than to walk to Sainsbury's.
- It is no coincidence kryptonite is green.
- Green's function – used to solve inhomogeneous differential equations subject to boundary conditions – is not named after Dave Green but after British mathematician George Green. Dave Green's function is too awesome to be formulated by mathematicians, however there is a theory that when applied to the entire universe it would return the value 42. The proof of this can fit in any finite margin.
- Dave Green always interferes constructively.
- Supernovae remnants are prefixed "G" not for "Green", but for "galactic". It's an easy mistake to make.
- Dave Green was set to replace Matt Damon as the lead in 'The Born Approximation', an espionage thriller based around quantum mechanics. Unfortunately, during production of the film he solved all equations regarding scattering theory exactly.
- Dave Green curled up the other seven space dimensions.
- Dave Green's PIN is more than four digits long for extra security. He uses the exact rest masses of neutrinos.
- When God was giving the Ten Commandments to Moses on Mount Sinai, he asked Dave Green to LaTeX them. An acknowledgement was written on the back. Dave suggested the inclusion of an eleventh commandment: "Thou shalt always draw a diagram", but this was rejected in case people got confused with the no making graven images thing.
- Quarks aren't confined by the strong interaction: they just don't want to be caught alone by Dave Green.
- For Dave Green the glass is only half full because it contains superfluid liquid helium.
- Dave Green is invariant upon calls for mercy. The associated conserved quantity is his vehement rage. This is why you should always stay in symbols, always give units, and always finish your work.
- Dave Green is faster than a speeding bullet – in all frames of reference.
- Dave Green is a Senior Lecturer in the Department of Physics.
